Mamafai's Daily Dose

The Proud Mama

I'm a 35 year old woman brought into this world on February 23rd 1971 and married to the same man for 13 years, mother to 2 hilarious, extremely handsome boys and one beautiful baby boy, who was totally NOT planned, but who turned out to be the Joy of our lives, loves to drink ice tea and hot chocolate from Starbucks. There is more to me than just being a mother, I just don't remember any of it.

Her Little Princes

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This site and contents, unless otherwise noted, is a copyright of mine! This website is a place for me to draw together all aspects of my life into an enjoyable and interesting journal. You will find issues that are truly going on in my life at the current moment. Sometimes I can be sharp. I am also very open with my feelings and opinions. If you are part of my life and I love you, you'll read about it in my journal. If you are an idiot, guess what? It's in here too. Feel free to respond if you choose. However, leave my website if you can't handle reality. I dont give a damn!

The Way I Am

Mamafai's Daily Dose...

Thursday, April 27, 2006

..: But, really, I'm fine! :..

Yesterday, the clouds rolled in and the skies turned dark and gray. Very much a reflection of how I've been feeling the past couple of days. The pain and frustration within is starting to manifest itself in everything I do (and have not done, for that matter.

Anything I want to write makes me sound like a whiny, bitter old hag, so I've tried to keep my "mouth shut". I don't talk much around the house and I do feel highly annoying.

This is too overwhelming for me. I've convinced myself I'm dying of something and it's only a matter of time before the doctors discover the massive tumor or terminal disease and I can jump up, point my fingers at them and go "WHO'S CRAZY AND MAKING IT ALL UP IN THEIR HEADS NOW? HAAAAAAAAAA!"

I'm thinking of shutting down this blog until I feel better. Notice I said THINKING. And I'm not saying it to be dramatic, or to hope you'll beg me not to go, ok? It's just, well, when people tell me that they're dozing off halway through my entries, or I get hate mail saying that my kids are the ugliest kids on earth, it may be a sign that it's TIME TO JUST LET IT GO.

I'm worn out. Tired of feeling sick, tired of talking about feeling sick, tired of writing about feeling sick. I can't think of a time in my life that I've felt this shitty? Tired? Useless? Helpless? Pissed off? Emotional?

I'm sure I have. I'm sure if you read through the archives, you could point out hundreds of times where I've said those words. But right now? I can't remember a time where I wanted to cry over every little thing and beat up people over every little thing and throw things at walls over every little thing and eat, eat and eat every little thing and say "I'm PISSED OFF" over every little thing and yell at people over every little thing and call other drivers "stupid" and
over every little thing.

I'm tired. Very tired.

And did I mention I'm pissed?

Mamafai wrote @ 2:01 AM |

Monday, April 24, 2006

..: Darling, where's my gift? :..

Thirteen years ago today, I married that hunky man :) and I was only 22 years old. I had no idea what was in store for me because I was too blinded by the "L" word. All I knew was that I was completely in love with him and I wanted to grow old with him.

In these past 13years, we've made THREE beautiful children, fought about lots of things, we've seen movies together, comforted each other, sang to each other, rubbed each others back and supported each other, let each other down, picked each other right back up. We've been through so much together and through it all, we've never stopped loving each other. Sure, there were times we COULDN'T STAND EACH OTHER. Times where we've questioned our love, but it's always been there.

We're not a perfect couple, not even close, but the thing I love about us? We don't GIVE A SHIT about perfect. We like keeping it real...

Happy Anniversary, darling!!!

Te Amo, Mi amor.

Mamafai wrote @ 11:01 PM |

Friday, April 21, 2006

..: My sweethearts. :..

Abang Asyraf with Afdlin

Abang Afzal with Afdlin

They are real sweethearts...

Mamafai wrote @ 2:51 AM |

Thursday, April 20, 2006

..: Checkup and... :..

The terrible terrible vaccination.

Terrible for both Afdlin and us. Both Dh and I had a hard time keeping from crying right along with him. Poor Baby.

But thank god... no fever for this vaccination. In terms of milestones, Mr. Afdlin now weighs in at 4.8kg and is 53.7cm long. Wow, he's growing so quickly!

Mamafai wrote @ 12:49 AM |

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

..: If he only knew :..

Everyone is very sad and worried tonight.

Everyone except Afdlin. Because Afdlin doesn't have a clue that tomorrow is the day he will be stuck with needles.

Dh was worried before he left for work earlier. He doesn't want his little boy to feel pain. The boys don't want to go with me because they don't want to hear him cry.

The saddest thing to all of us is that he's so oblivious to it all. He is still smiling. And he'll probably be doing that as they stick the needles in him. And then he'll scream and look at me like "MAMA, HOW COULD YOU LET THAT EVIL WOMAN DO THAT TO ME? You are supposed to PROTECT ME FROM PAIN, NOT WILLINGLY OFFER ME UP FOR IT."

And after it's done? After he's had the shots? I'll worry and wait for some horrible reaction. I won't be able to sleep tomorrow night wondering if he'll get a fever.

Damn, I forgot how much I hate this part of the baby experience.

My poor, Afdlin.

Mamafai wrote @ 9:56 PM |

Friday, April 14, 2006

..: My how time flies... :..

Today my baby boy is one month old.

Where did the month go? It seems like just yesterday I was a pregnant lady. I remember thinking he was never going to be born, it felt like an eternity. And now he's already ONE MONTH old?

I still remember the very first time I saw him, the first time I held him. I didn't know anything about him, but I knew I loved him with all of my heart. I remember holding him the night I got home from the hospital, staring at him and thinking "who IS this little creature?"

Over the past month, I've gotten to know him. I know what his cries mean, I know what soothes him. I know what makes him smile, like gently tapping his nose, or kissing his lips I know what makes him mad. I know he loves baths, but hates to get dressed. I know that he loves when his abah talks to him and when I sing to him. I can't even imagine what the next month will have in store, but I know I look forward to getting to know him even more.

I just wish the time would slow down a little bit because, looking at my other boys, I know he'll be another "big boy" in no time at all. And I don't want him to be a big boy. I want him to stay my little baby forever....

1 month old picture of Afdlin today, he's absolutely gorgeous.

They came over last night. We had so much fun! It was kindda like mini famly reunion. Can you believe the other 2 babies are my grandchildren??? heheh.. Anyway, thanks girls for coming over!

Daddies with their babies.. click here for more photos.

Mamafai wrote @ 12:43 AM |

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

..: a boob is a boob :..

Today I had my very first power struggle with my baby. And he's ONE MONTH OLD.
He suddenly repulsed by my right tit. He REFUSES to eat off of it. He screams and throws himself back and GAGS. I switched him to the otherside, just to see what he would do, and he got all happy and started sucking away.

But I wasn't having that. I took him off (Because he had already eaten off of that side and after an entire night of no eating, the tits tend to get REALLY FULL and REALLY BIG and REALLY PAINFUL, so I had to "empty" the right side) and I tried giving him the right tit again. He started screaming and throwing his head back and GAGGING again.

I looked at him and said "Listen, oh little prince of the world, there is nothing wrong with this tit. You WILL EAT FROM IT! I refuse to have one tit the size of a pumpkin and the other one the size of an orange. THEY MUST REMAIN EVEN IN SIZE AND IN MILK PRODUCTION. NOW STOP GAGGING AND SUCK!"

And he was like "MAKE ME."

And so I did what any mother with an enlarged, aching tit at 5 in the morning would do.
I started to cry. I am sure this is just the beginning of power struggles to come. Today it's "I don't want your right boobie!", tomorrow it'll be "I don't feel like sleeping, and if I don't sleep, YOU don't sleep." Ten years from now it'll be "I HATE these stupid pants, so I'm not wearing them and you can't make me." And on and on and on and on.

If he didn't have the cutest damn toothless smile in all of the world, I could probably get mad at him. Lucky him.

Mamafai wrote @ 1:28 AM |

Sunday, April 09, 2006

..: What the?!? :..

It's no secret that I have huge nipples. I never imagined they could get any bigger. BUT THEY DID.

My sil was over and she got a glimpse of them while I was feeding Afdlin and she was SHOCKED. She was all "Oh my God, they're HUGE."

And on top of the fact my nipples have taken over the entire tit, now I have BULGING PURPLE VEINS.

I thought it was bad when they looked like THIS. If only I had known one day they'd look LIKE THIS I never would have complained!

Mamafai wrote @ 4:06 PM |

Friday, April 07, 2006

..: Mission accomplished :.

Yes, I did went out again last evening to get myself this....

I guess I deserve this as a treat :) I just love the swivel design and the 1.3 megapixel camera with 8x digital zoom. I am a happy mom now...

Mamafai wrote @ 2:22 PM |

Thursday, April 06, 2006

..: Evil Mommy :..

Since we brought Afdlin home from the hospital I haven't had one moment of frustration with him. Not ONE. I have found everything about him to be precious and cute and sweet, because I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!

When he cries? Precious. Poops? Totally precious. When he stares at me at 1am instead of sleeping? The cutest thing in the history of cuteness.

Until two nights ago.

He would not go to sleep unless I was holding him. Everytime I'd lay him down, he'd start fussing, which eventually turned into crying, so I'd have to pick him up again. I did this all night. Something in me snapped. I got angry with him. I started to cry. I was rocking him, but instead of sniffing his hair or kissing his cheeks, I had resentment towards him for not letting me sleep. I couldn't stop crying.

Finally, around 2am I couldn't take it anymore. I brought his little rocker in my room and put him in it. I figured I'd see if that would put him to sleep, then I'd try yet again to put him in his crib. I layed down and waited for him to start crying again. He never did. Until 5am that morning, when I realised I had left him in his rocker all night.

I now feel like shit, like the worst mother to have ever lived. Granted, he was sleeping, but I shouldn't have left him to sleep in there. And I feel so damn guilty for getting upset with him. He was probably crying because his tummy hurt, or maybe he was just restless and needed me to comfort and love him. Instead, I got mad at him. Everytime he looks at me in the morning, I feel like crying.

I don't ever want to feel that way about my baby ever again. He's so helpless and innocent. I don't ever want frustration to get the best of me the way it did the other night.

I can't even stand myself.

-----------------Cupcake Story ------------------

I won't deny that I do miss baking. So... when she asked if I can bake for her... I didn't say no. hehe ni case lepaskan gian... :P My mom has been nagging...(mind you..I am still in confinement!) and I've even been to our neighbouring country twice! She keeps telling me "Kau ni macam bukan orang beranak..bla bla bla" Ok, Ok, Mak..I promise I will rest till the confinement days are over (but only after tomorrow cause I have another mission to accomplish :P)

Mamafai wrote @ 1:31 AM |

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

..: Abah's son :..

It's obvious to everyone in our family that Afdlin already has his abah wrapped around his little finger.

Watching dh holding him, interacting with him is one of the highlights of my life right now. When dh talks to him and he smiles back at dh, it takes my breath away. I never thought I'd give him another son, I never imagined I'd be sitting on the couch and I'd hear him singing to his "little son".

He loves his Abah. He's so comfortable with him. Everyday when he comes home from work, he picks Afdlin up and starts talking to him. Ah! It's the sweetest thing I think I've ever seen. Eventually, he'll get tired and start yawning. Dh will sit him on his lap and gently run his fingers over Afdlin's hair. He doesn't even fight it, within minutes, he's peacefully sleeping on his abah's lap.

Last night I told dh that I will forever have that image burned in my mind. And as he gets older, I'll always look at him and remember the time that he would fall asleep on his abah's lap and ''ll remember just how beautiful life was.

And I pray it always will be.

(hehe..can you imagine having 6 boys of your own?)

Thanks to Lyana and family for visiting us the other nite. It's been awhile since I last saw her. The kids were like missing each other very much :) Thanks again fren!

Mamafai wrote @ 12:31 AM |

Saturday, April 01, 2006

..: I'm so in Love :..

(17 days old)

I love watching my Afdlin sleep. I really wish I knew what he was dreaming about in his sleep. He makes these sweet little faces and the most heartwarming sounds you'll ever hear. Coos and sighs and occassionally, he'll let out the cutest little fart you've ever heard. I love to bend down and smell him, then gently kiss his chubby cheeks, or run my fingers softly over his thick, black hair. As I watch him, I think to myself how unbelievable it is that such a beautiful creature was formed inside of my body. And it really overwhelms and humbles me.

I think I had forgotten to mention that we had him circumsized when he was 7 days old and yesterday we brought him for his circumsized checkup to make sure that everything healed up the way it's supposed to and alhamdullilah everything looks good :)

This is the man who was responsible for his circumsized. Who was also responsible in taking care of me for that "nine months". I was so touched when he gave a peck on Afdlin's cheek before we left and commented he smells good and he'll see me in a year or two. (*faints..heheh..perhaps I'll see you again but not for a baby but for a botox or makeover..hehe) Anyway, Thanks doc for everything! I have always felt safe in your hands!

Afterwhich we went off to meetup with his godmother for dinner ;)

And Thanks Sue for visiting us the other nite. Thanks for the flowers and beautiful gifts. The boys love them very much...

Oh on the other hand, he had done it again this time round. Perfect score for both English and Maths. Well Done son! Thanks to her for the great efforts and contributions. I know he can be a pain in the neck at times :)

Mamafai wrote @ 2:20 AM |